My boyfriend and I just broke up. After a year and a half of loving and living together, we have decided that, for lack of all originality, we simply "weren't right for each other." I won't bore you with the specific reasons and events which brought this about ~ though I will say that there is rarely a single issue or action which ends a solid romance. The question at hand is why all of my relationships seem to break up, and more importantly why gay men seem to have so much trouble with keeping romantic relationships together.

First and foremost among the reasons is the homophobic stigma of the sad, depressed, ever-alone homosexual. It's what our parents always feared and fed us ~ by being gay we were throwing away all chances at happiness in the arms of a committed wife and family. It was a self-hating prophecy, one which robbed us of our hopes just as they were being kindled. Even I, stable-Mabel and ever-optimistic-in-romantic-affairs, fell victim to this societal trap: after every break-up I would wallow in pity and misery, bemoaning my gay inability to sustain a romance for longer than a month.

Of course, after a while I saw what a complete pile of crap this was, and how it was mostly in my (and everyone else's) head. That doesn't make it any less powerful: when people found out I had been going out with someone for a while, they raised eyebrows and questioned constantly "You're still together?" as if doubting that any gay man could stay with someone monogamously and not have it end in pain and heartache. Sometimes it seemed as if the whole world was conspiring against us, and this is a difficult hurdle to get over. Maybe this is why our relationships don't last.

Second, there's the sex that we as gay men must constantly have with each other. Another stereotype to be sure, but one which has grounding in truth. The simple fact is that we can find sex much easier than straight people can. I'm going on my own experience and the ready admittance of all of my straight friends and acquaintances. Call it what you will, we know who's gay, we know how to hook up sexually, and we're not afraid to do it. With such ease and availability of sex, staying committed in a relationship can prove difficult for many of us. (Personally, I've never understood why ~ if you truly love someone but are feeling sexually tempted by another person, go home and jerk off ~ the feeling passes.)

Still, sex is often messy for us (in many ways) and if it's indeed true that men have a greater biological and instinctual need for sex than women, then two men together in a monogamous relationship is doubly more difficult. Perhaps this is why our relationships don't last.

Third, gay men have not had an open history of committed couples to look back upon. There are no great historical couples or romances from which to draw hope and inspiration. Heterosexuals are constantly reminded of successful romance ~ almost everything in the entertainment world revolves around heterosexual love ~ from the very first Victorian novels of the 19th century to the cinematic super-couples of the 1930's to the lovey-dovey sitcoms of the 1960's all the way to the ballads of the boy bands today, where a "girl" must be mentioned at least seven times per song to ward off any gay rumors.

Gay men in successful relationships certainly did exist, but no one talked about it, including the gay men themselves. Only recently have we begun to look back on old diaries and writings and decipher what exactly is meant by "special friend" or "roommate." Then again it may be a mistake to attribute our romantic failures today to the lack of role models in the past: prior to the sixties and seventies there was barely a public gay anything, and we seem to have had no problem in refuting that. Even so, we have not had any prominent gay couples thus far to prove that we can do it. Could this lack of a gay-couple history be why our relationships don't last?

Finally, the reason for our failed long-term romantic endeavors may be the law: it just isn't legal for many of us to get married where we live. Such inherent homophobic oppression is a heavy burden on the most stable of gay relationships, and whether or not we know better, the fact that our unions are not recognized legally can still take an expensive toll. A healthy, happy marriage is difficult enough ~ denying us the chance to even try is an attempt to keep us alone and unhappy. Maybe people are simply afraid that gay couples will prove to be better at being married than straight couples, just as we have proven to be better parents (if people can bring themselves to acknowledge the latest studies.)

Now, I realize that marriage is in no means a guaranteed way of staying together, as straight people have proven over and over again, but it is one more way in which we are denied the rights of heterosexuals, and one more way in which the cards are stacked against us. This must be why our relationships don't last.

Which brings me to my latest break-up, and a revisiting of my past six break-ups. They don't seem to have happened because of the reasons just proffered. None of those reasons seems important enough to have been the sole cause of the disintegration of love.

I never broke up with anyone because of an innate self-hatred and self-fulfilling idea of unhappiness as a gay man. I broke up with someone because they fell in love with someone else.

I never broke off a relationship due to an insatiable sexual need that caused my partner to stray ~ all of the guys I've dated have remained faithful to me while we were going out, and if they wanted sex on the side then I knew enough to end it.

My romances did not dissolve because of any lack of successful gay couples in history. We make our own history. Besides, all of the straight romances of the past don't seem to have helped any of my straight friends with their hapless romantic plights either; one recently called off a wedding.

My boyfriend and I did not break up because it's not legal for us to be married. We were smart enough to know that we didn't even want to be bound for life at such a young age. We broke up because we weren't right for each other right now. So maybe the reason that our relationships don't last isn't because we're gay, but because we're human, and living in the 21st century. That's why any of us breaks up. Sometimes being gay just doesn't matter.

By Alan Bennett Ilagan / Rainbow Arch

 

SAFER SEX
Partner Communication

To reach mutual understanding and agreement on sexual health issues, choose a convenient time when you will both be free of distractions.

Choose a relaxing environment in a neutral location, like a coffee bar or a park, where neither of you will feel pressured.

Use "I" statements when talking. For example, "I feel that abstinence is right for me at this time." Or, "I would feel more comfortable if we used a condom."

Be assertive! Do not let fear of how your partner might react stop you from talking with him/her.

Be a good listener. Let your partner know that you hear, understand, and care about what she/he is saying and feeling.

Be "ask-able"—let your partner know you are open to questions and that you won’t jump on him/her or be offended by questions.

Be patient with your partner, and remain firm in your decision that talking is important.

Recognize your limits. You can’t communicate alone or protect you both alone, and you don’t have to know all the answers.

Understand that success in talking does not mean one person getting the other person to do something. It means that you both have said what you think and feel respectfully and honestly and that you have both listened respectfully to the other.

Get information to help you each make informed decisions.

Avoid making assumptions. Ask open-ended questions to discuss relationship expectations, past and present sexual relationships, contraceptive use, and testing for STIs, including HIV, among other issues. For example, "What do you think about our agreeing to avoid sex until after we graduate?" Or, "What do you think about our using hormonal contraception as well as condoms?" Not, "Did you get the condoms?" Or, "When will you have sex with me?"

Ask for more information when unsure. Ask questions to clarify what you believe you heard. For example, "I think you said that you want us to use both condoms and birth control pills? Is that right?" Or, "I think you want us both to wait until we graduate to have sex? Is that right?"

Avoid judging, labeling, blaming, threatening or bribing your partner. Don’t let your partner judge, label, blame, threaten, or bribe you.

Do not wait until you become sexually intimate to discuss safer sex with your partner. In the heat of the moment, you and your partner may be unable to talk effectively.